woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
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I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
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What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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