It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
