I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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