what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
