I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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