I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
