Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
