You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
