I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
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She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
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You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.