I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
