Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
This baby is an asshole
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
