You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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