the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
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