Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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