I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
As shirtless as possible
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
