My brain says no but my pants say off.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
