yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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