You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
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