Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
