The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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