So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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