I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
