were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
