Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
