Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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