why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
