I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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