Four minutes until I can fart!
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
