I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
