Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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