Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
