do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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