you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
