i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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