i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
