I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
