i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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