That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
