I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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