I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
