I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
