i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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