I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
