i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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