I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
