His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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