you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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