Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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