oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Randomize
