Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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