I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
