your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Randomize
