Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
