you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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