The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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