do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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