Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
