At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
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