A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
